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Monday, October 25, 2010

Dying to the Old

At this time of the year, the walls between the worlds are thinner than any other time. It is a beautiful time of year when we experience relief from the heat (ideally) and also the transformation of our brother and sister trees into a fiery palate of beautiful colors that shake the imagination and excite the senses every time you take a drive. It is a time to notice and to appreciate the colors of change, the joys of the crisp, cool morning and evening air, and a time to remember all those who have transitioned from this world to the next. It is also a great time of year to take stock of your own life and see which habits and things no longer serve you.

I loved the video that I posted prior to this blog (thanks Judy), because it addressed many things that I have been picking at in the past few weeks (and longer) in my own life. There are two things in my life that I have been dying to change, but have been unable (or unwilling) to change up until this point. I have accumulated too much weight in my life; on my person and in my possessions. I want to shed my pounds and release the things that no longer serve me, but I know in order to do this I have to face the reason why I have allowed this condition in my life: the belief that I am unworthy. I am afraid of success because of the scrutiny it brings from others to my person.

I used to be the opposite of who I am now. I was a thin, elf like girl who wore crazy outfits of vintage dresses and flashy jewelry. I wanted to be seen at the time because it temporarily made me feel I was of value every time I was noticed. These feelings did not last because I had not figured out that I had to patch my bucket (see previous post). All the positive feelings others poured in dripped from my heart because there was no lining of self love there. In order to feel truly loved by others, you have to believe you are worthy of their appreciation: You Have to Love Yourself...

Years went by. Since the feeling of adoration didn't stay in my heart because of my own inability to love myself, I figured "Why try?" I quit exercising. I ate chocolate chip cookies. I got married to a wonderful man who loves me just the way I am. I adopted kids and ate more cookies with them. I put my needs on the back burner to take care of my family. I started to feel like there was a hole in my heart and didn't know how to fill it. It wasn't my husband that kept me from doing the things I wanted to do. I stopped myself. I was punishing myself. My practice of Reiki and a great author named Louise L . Hay made me wake up and see these things for what they are. I am proud to say that I am now healing my life, piece by piece.

"Pain pushes until the vision pulls." I love this quote. I have hurt from the things in my life that I dislike, but have not been ready to change. I am now at the point though where the vision of what could be; what my visions are manifesting in relation to the self change I have long desired are not unreachable things. I am beginning to love myself enough to allow myself to change in the areas that are my most visible areas of self pity and loathing.

I think the turning point was when my beautiful friend Dolores took pictures of me and my family last week. I realized that I am very happy despite the fact that I weigh more than I want to. One thing does not exclude the other. I saw myself and my family radiate the joy and love we feel for each others in the pictures, even though other parts of my appearance weren't perfect. I think I am nearing the point where I can let the resistance to change begin to fall away and embrace a healthier way of life.

I am going to find a symbolic talisman to wear for a week to remind myself of what I am going to let die and fall away from myself. I will honor it, cherish it, be uncomfortable with it, be grateful to it and then I will have ceremony to release it and let it go. I deserve to change the color of my leaves, to let them fall away and to be reborn gradually into a more vibrant and more vital version of myself. It won't happen overnight, and this process will be reborn in many small decisions between now and my goal, but I release the need to be unworthy.

I want to be an example to others that succeeding is more than alright, it is a joy. I want my changes to be of service to myself so that I may better serve others in the name of the spirit. Please send me good thoughts and visions, as I will continue to do for all of you.

Posted with much love for all of you! You are worthy of all the good that comes to you and more!

Meditation Vibration -

Meditation Vibration - "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Plugging Your Own Bucket

I don't think I will be alone here when I confess that I have always suffered from low self esteem. My self worth has gotten a lot better as I have gotten older and learned to begin to love myself as I am. I think that the notion of self loathing is more a norm instead of an exception, and it is something I will continue to address in myself, and hope to inspire others to consider.

I use the analogy with my young daughters that everyone has a bucket in their heart that holds all the love people give them. The bucket is subject to wear and tear though, and only by loving yourself can you patch the holes in your bucket so that the feeling of being loved stays in it. Many people outside yourself can pour love and attention into your bucket, but it only nourishes you when your bucket is patched with a good lining of self love.

Self love comes in many packages. It comes in the form of taking care of yourself first so you can take care of others. It comes in the form of doing things you do not want to do as a gift of love to yourself and those you care about. It can be as simple as forgiving yourself for all your perceived faults, and loving yourself anyway. I said that last one was simple, but it took a long time for me to be able to look in a mirror and tell myself, "I love you just as you are. You are worthy of all the good that comes to you."

I am worthy of all the good that comes to me, and so are every one of you. God, The Universe, The Goddess, Source... Whatever you want to call it, it does not make junk. We are all powered by the divine spark in human form. You are worthy just as you are to deserve your own love and attention. Spend a little time today doing something for yourself, and make it a habit.

My father always said, "Check your oil and water!" every night when I talked to him on the phone. He was always concerned about my transportation. Be a part of your transformation and take a few moments today to work on plugging your bucket. You will be glad you did...


I am very blessed to have a biological sister who is one in a million. She is a strong, funny, loving woman who makes me laugh, and makes me see myself clearer than anyone else. She is outspoken, but well loved. I love spending time with her, as do a host of other people. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life, and she is where my blog begins, but not the only place the journey takes me.

In addition to my blood sister, my path has also blessed me with women who are sisters of my heart and spirit. These sisters have come to me from many places. Some have been constant in my life, and others have passed by me leaving only the memories of times and experiences we shared. Each one of them is alive in my heart. Each one of them helped shape who I am. I am grateful.

The purpose of this blog is to create a place for we sisters to discuss what is on our minds and in our hearts. I am doing it out of a need of my own, but it is a need I hear echoed often to me by the women who confide in me. I want this to be a place to speak what is on your heart without fear of being judged. I do not expect to agree with everyone, but it is my hope to open a dialog about many things so that understanding and love may spread to all this blog touches. We are one in spirit. All else is just semantics.

I will end this introduction of my blog with the Four Agreements set out in the book by the same name by author Don Miguel Ruiz . I endeavor to live my life by them (sometimes more successfully than others), and they are a comfort to me:
1. Be Impeccable with your word
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always do your best

Merry met my dear sisters; here's to all of you I now know and to the ones I haven't met yet. I am grateful for each of you.