You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd

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I sing this song in my head a lot. It is a silly little ditty, but it has a lot of wisdom. My wise Aunt Wanda used to tell me that, "Happiness is not a place you get to, it is just something you have to decide to be." I would tell her how happy I would be when I got through with school. I would tell her how happy I would be when I got a new car. She knew then, as I have learned through much trial and error, that happiness is not about acquiring new things. Happiness does not come from any one or any thing external to you: It comes from focusing on living right now and being thankful for every small thing you have.

I have a tendency to overdo things. I get bogged down with the many details and get overwhelmed at times, as I discussed in my last post. When I get a bee in my bonnet, or a new project brewing, I tend to want to throw money at it in lieu of energy. I am growing through this right now. I felt motivated to do a similar post to my last one this time around, so forgive the redundancies if you don't need this message. This post is mostly about intention, but I will touch on other things, too.

I am taking an on line course through Carla Meeske on Shamanism and Animal communication. It started today, and my first class went very well. I like being outdoors in beautiful weather and communing with nature, but I am more of an indoor person than an outdoor one. Still, I felt very strongly that the class was for me to take, and I am pleased that I did. I think it is going to be great for connecting with spirit in different ways, and in strengthening my intention when I heal.

One of the exercises that Carla wanted us to do in class required a rattle. She asked if we had a rattle, and held up her beautiful, handcrafted, Native American one. Part of me panicked a little. I immediately began to think about cruising Ebay and finding some beautiful one that spoke to me and worried how I would pay for it since Christmas is coming and I have already gone buck nuts. I had to smile inside and out when Carla said, "A box of mints works well. Whatever it is, it just needs to rattle to call in the spirits." I went and got an empty Diet Dr Pepper bottle, threw some beans I had in it and rattled away. The spirit was called by my makeshift rattle, and all was well. My pocketbook did not suffer. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling that spending money can't buy.

I have enjoyed reading books on Enochian Magick for years. Don't be scandalized; you all know I am a weirdo. I have never felt comfortable practicing the high magick though, largely because of the things I always read you needed as props. A table made of a certain kind of wood, with inlaid symbols made out of another kind of wood and a golden ring cast a certain way with a certain symbol on it. I have always talked to the Angels and spirits in my own way, and though the practice of traveling to different levels of consciousness to visit with these ethereal beings sounds wonderful, I felt out of my league.

I bought a few books by a man named Lon Milo Duquette, and was immediately refreshed by how down to earth he is. I thumbed through his book, "Enochian Vision Magick" and was openly tickled to see that he had a pattern for a paper ring to use in Enochian magick. His quote was, "If you can't make a real magick Ring out of paper, then you'll not be able to make one out of gold." The finery that surrounds anything is not what is important. It is the intention.

Take Willie Nelson's guitar for another example. I am sure you have all seen him play his old guitar with the hole worn in it. It is Willie's spirit, his comfortable nature, his musical chops and the love and energy he has put in his old guitar for so many years that make his distinctive music sound the way it does. It is not the physical grandeur of the guitar he plays. He is the real deal, and so is his old, beat up guitar. You can hear his heart when he plays. You can see his soul in his face and know that is where his music comes from. No amount of money can buy that.

In order to manifest anything, or to be happy if you are not, there must be a change in your consciousness that allows it. Winning the lottery does not make you happy (though there have been times in my life I thought it would be close enough for me). True change and growth has to be by right of consciousness. You have to be thankful for what you have and be happy with what you are given. Those things are the foundation for manifesting anything your heart can desire. Nothing you want can make you happy if you get it. Happiness is just something you have to decide to be. You can be happy in your life; right now, just as you are. You are enough.

Sorry if I got a little (or maybe a lot) preachy. I am not talking to any one of you, but I am speaking what is on my mind and in my spirit at the moment. These are the changes I am moving through. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas about this. I am going to look at rattles on Ebay. haha

The Dangers of All or Nothing Thinking

I decided a few months ago to start reading Tarot again. I pretty much gave up reading the cards cold turkey about 9 years ago, after reading for many years. It was a good decision for me at the time. I was not in the proper frame of mind to see the wisdom of the cards. I had become addicted to what I wanted to happen, and to what the cards would show me instead of focusing on living my life. It was like the hope of what could be was more appealing to me than what I actually had. In order for me to move past the painful point in my life, I had to learn to appreciate everything I did have. Once I focused on living my life in the present moment, things shifted and my life became immensely happier.

My intuition is much stronger now than it has ever been. I hope it continues to grow as I get older. The Tarot are a powerful tool of intuition and insight, and one I have missed incorporating in my life. I recently went out and bought 2 new decks and 2 new oracle decks. I have been reluctant to actually read them though. I have done it a few times, but something always seems to be in my way: Mostly it is fear of failing, or maybe succeeding.

The lack of proper silk scarves to house my new cards in has kept me from opening the packages. If I don't have the scarves, I tell myself, so I can't properly store the cards. I also bought new decks I am not familiar with, so I feel like I have to study the books on them to give a good reading, instead of following my intuition. The smudge that I use to cleanse my cards is not my husband's favorite smell. I know that I can cleanse most anything with Reiki instead of smudge, but still my former rituals for card reading have turned into excuses not to do what I feel called to do.

I see the parallel of this same situation played out in other areas of my life, and the lives of others. It is as if things don't meet certain conditions in my mind it is not safe to move on to the next level or to attempt to do things I feel called to do. I guess it is a form of procrastination. I know it is a form of fear. It is not a tangible fear that I can draw a picture of in my mind. It isn't a boogey man with claws and fangs, but it might as well be. For me the fear of doing something less than perfectly many times makes me not attempt to act in the first place. I cannot help but feel that this is the next big thing I want to tackle in myself. I have been camping here in this spot for a while in my life but I see new scenery on the horizon.

I am learning more and more to trust myself in things that I do, and trust the thoughts and ideas that come to me. It has been a slow process, and I remind myself that, "practice makes perfect" as often as I remind my children the same thing. My Reiki master, Branden, uses a great quote at the end of her emails: “We fail to realize that mastery is not about perfection. It’s about a process, a journey. The master is the one who stays on the path day after day, year after year. The master is the one who is willing to try, and fail, and try again, for as long as he or she lives.”
~ George Leonard from Mastery

I am an apprentice in many areas of my life and I am learning to love that. When you are younger you think that one day you will be a grown up and all will be revealed to you in perfect clarity. You think there is a finite point when you become the mythical "adult" you are meant to be, and that from that point on you are the master of your life. Today I know that there is no knowing it all, there is only finding more questions. There is not a lot of black and white, there are more subtle shades of gray.

It is okay to envision your life looking like you want it to, as a matter of fact, it is the key to manifestation. What is as important is giving thanks for the things you have in the present moment as a foundation for the manifestation. Don't let the absence of the proper details keep you from taking the first steps to push your dreams to reality. I am happiest when I am doing my soul work: Reiki, creating with my hands and voice, and also reading cards and using my intuitive gifts. I ask you all as my friends to call upon me if I can be of service to you in any of these ways. You will be of great service to me by doing just that.

I love you all!

The Real Witches of Orange County

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I love Jacqueline Dubois. Her videos are awesome. When I watch them, I feel like I am talking shop with an old friend. This is part one of her newest video. She is a genuine wise woman and a loving soul. Her work nourishes me!

Warning: The following is an Ego Driven Rant

Parts of this post will likely be politically incorrect. Please forgive me if I offend and my ego shows. I admire and respect both the Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle immensely. I strive to live a mindful and compassionate life. Forgive my rant (or rant along with me and get it all out)!

I was sewing some little red flannel bags the other night to house my many work crystals in. This is a work in progress, and one I am enjoying. I decided not to start listening to the next Harry Dresden book in favor of reviewing "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I read the book a couple of years ago, and did the whole Oprah telecourse on it. I think it is a brilliant piece of work on the whole.

I now believe, as suggested to me by one of my Reiki masters, Jennifer Ledbetter, that Tolle is probably a walk in. A walk in is a soul who comes to a body that was vacated by another soul in the midst of their life. Tolle says after a night of wanting to kill himself he woke up enlightened and thought the world was beautiful. He had released his pain body and saw that his essence was separate from the little nagging voice in his head (his ego). He no longer talks about his past in great detail (because his soul is not attached to it). His message of mindful meditation is very beautiful, and useful. "The Power of Now", also by Tolle, is a powerful book as well. When I read it I had to do it in bits. I would read a chapter, fall asleep from the depth and the need to absorb what it said, then wake to read more. It is truly soul food.

Back to my rant... Tolle has several sections in "A New Earth" that describe how not to stifle your children and how not to become the role of mother or father when you parent. Everyone knows the role of mother: "Did you even brush your hair this morning? Why are you wearing a tank top when it is 55 degrees outside? You can't eat M&M's for breakfast!" You get the picture. Tolle says that while some of those rants might be necessary to protect your children and instill good habits, that you should endeavor to parent as yourself (i.e. the person who you really are, not some perfect example of the role of motherhood). Your children were born to you, not Mrs. Cleaver on steroids. I think he is right. That being said, sometimes the very idea of that makes me feel every bit as inadequate as some chick in a magazine that weighs a buck O'five in a swimsuit.

As I sewed my bags my thoughts went to my daughter Kristina. Kristina is a pre-teen with the smartest little mouth you ever heard. We get in arguments (as mothers and daughters are want to do) and she won't apologize to me in person. She writes me these pointed (and hilarious) letters. The last one simply said, "Mama I'm Sorry I Love You." I laughed out loud. She said she meant it to say, "Mama, I'm Sorry. I love you." I think her lack of punctuation speaks for itself. lol

Bitterness filled me as Tolle's words filtered through my brain. "Does this man have kids? Has he ever been on the receiving end of someone like my daughter who informed me that she knows everything because she watched, "Go Diego, Go"? People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! People who don't have kids have no right to advise those of us who do!

I remember thinking before we adopted what kind of mother I would be: I would never be angry; I would never spank; I would understand and be a patient teacher; I would detach myself from smarty comments and not take them personally. I read a library of books on adoption and parenting post institutionalized kids. I took 3 parenting classes. I thought I was ready!

The days after we adopted my children were among the worst days of my life. I had worked solid for a year and a half on paperwork and painstaking procedure to bring these two little people to our family. I prayed for them. I dreamed of them. I cried for them. I longed for them. They hated my guts. I was crushed, and we had a lot of work to do. I finally won their trust, and their love.

They both love me very well now. I love both my girls, too. Kristina is snotty and can do it all but you let her skin her knee and you find out who she thinks can fix anything. It is me she runs to. As much as she rebels against my authority, she has faith in my abilities. How I hope I never let her down. I hope she always views me as capable and bright, and that the years and our experiences as mother and daughter do not tarnish her love for me (or Alina's either). Only time will tell.

Here I am, letting my ego tell it's story, but it feels right to do it. The ego is a useful tool for yourself and others if you rule it, and don't let it rule you. I have my moments when it takes me over, but other moments I am true to my true self and the real me shines. I am a work in progress, and not ashamed of that any longer. I am exactly where I am meant to be, as are each one of you.

Another little rant: Why do all the accepted holy men in the media have to be men? Especially when in my life I can't have a deep conversation about consciousness or metaphysics with any of the men in my life? My husband, who is the most intelligent man I have ever met says to think of such things makes his head hurt. He is a math nut, and he won't even discuss sacred geometry with me. He doesn't understand why anyone would want to look at life in such detail. I am blessed, because he loves and accepts me (even though he thinks I am basically delusional and crazy). I may be a nut, but I am his nut. He is supportive and encouraging to me as long as I don't try to talk about the details to him. lol Do most spiritual men take the path of the monk (i.e. The Dalai Lama) and forgo family life and ties? I wonder if it is easier to be holy that way... or are they missing the whole point? Who am I to judge? The Dalai Mama... that's who. lol

I salute my friends in the Pagan community who embrace the power of women in all their splendor, power and reality. A priestess can be a maiden, mother or a crone and all stages are rejoiced in. Even though I admit that organized religion of any kind scares me, I love that idea. I live that idea. I think the world needs more strong women to speak out about our lives and our spirituality. You don't have to be perfect to be useful and inspirational. It is our flaws that make us accessible to others.

I am closing for now, but I thank each one of my sisters for letting me rant. I would love to hear your thoughts, too. You all inspire me!

Love you!

Dying to the Old

At this time of the year, the walls between the worlds are thinner than any other time. It is a beautiful time of year when we experience relief from the heat (ideally) and also the transformation of our brother and sister trees into a fiery palate of beautiful colors that shake the imagination and excite the senses every time you take a drive. It is a time to notice and to appreciate the colors of change, the joys of the crisp, cool morning and evening air, and a time to remember all those who have transitioned from this world to the next. It is also a great time of year to take stock of your own life and see which habits and things no longer serve you.

I loved the video that I posted prior to this blog (thanks Judy), because it addressed many things that I have been picking at in the past few weeks (and longer) in my own life. There are two things in my life that I have been dying to change, but have been unable (or unwilling) to change up until this point. I have accumulated too much weight in my life; on my person and in my possessions. I want to shed my pounds and release the things that no longer serve me, but I know in order to do this I have to face the reason why I have allowed this condition in my life: the belief that I am unworthy. I am afraid of success because of the scrutiny it brings from others to my person.

I used to be the opposite of who I am now. I was a thin, elf like girl who wore crazy outfits of vintage dresses and flashy jewelry. I wanted to be seen at the time because it temporarily made me feel I was of value every time I was noticed. These feelings did not last because I had not figured out that I had to patch my bucket (see previous post). All the positive feelings others poured in dripped from my heart because there was no lining of self love there. In order to feel truly loved by others, you have to believe you are worthy of their appreciation: You Have to Love Yourself...

Years went by. Since the feeling of adoration didn't stay in my heart because of my own inability to love myself, I figured "Why try?" I quit exercising. I ate chocolate chip cookies. I got married to a wonderful man who loves me just the way I am. I adopted kids and ate more cookies with them. I put my needs on the back burner to take care of my family. I started to feel like there was a hole in my heart and didn't know how to fill it. It wasn't my husband that kept me from doing the things I wanted to do. I stopped myself. I was punishing myself. My practice of Reiki and a great author named Louise L . Hay made me wake up and see these things for what they are. I am proud to say that I am now healing my life, piece by piece.

"Pain pushes until the vision pulls." I love this quote. I have hurt from the things in my life that I dislike, but have not been ready to change. I am now at the point though where the vision of what could be; what my visions are manifesting in relation to the self change I have long desired are not unreachable things. I am beginning to love myself enough to allow myself to change in the areas that are my most visible areas of self pity and loathing.

I think the turning point was when my beautiful friend Dolores took pictures of me and my family last week. I realized that I am very happy despite the fact that I weigh more than I want to. One thing does not exclude the other. I saw myself and my family radiate the joy and love we feel for each others in the pictures, even though other parts of my appearance weren't perfect. I think I am nearing the point where I can let the resistance to change begin to fall away and embrace a healthier way of life.

I am going to find a symbolic talisman to wear for a week to remind myself of what I am going to let die and fall away from myself. I will honor it, cherish it, be uncomfortable with it, be grateful to it and then I will have ceremony to release it and let it go. I deserve to change the color of my leaves, to let them fall away and to be reborn gradually into a more vibrant and more vital version of myself. It won't happen overnight, and this process will be reborn in many small decisions between now and my goal, but I release the need to be unworthy.

I want to be an example to others that succeeding is more than alright, it is a joy. I want my changes to be of service to myself so that I may better serve others in the name of the spirit. Please send me good thoughts and visions, as I will continue to do for all of you.

Posted with much love for all of you! You are worthy of all the good that comes to you and more!

Meditation Vibration - Soulgarden.tv

Meditation Vibration - Soulgarden.tv: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

Plugging Your Own Bucket

I don't think I will be alone here when I confess that I have always suffered from low self esteem. My self worth has gotten a lot better as I have gotten older and learned to begin to love myself as I am. I think that the notion of self loathing is more a norm instead of an exception, and it is something I will continue to address in myself, and hope to inspire others to consider.

I use the analogy with my young daughters that everyone has a bucket in their heart that holds all the love people give them. The bucket is subject to wear and tear though, and only by loving yourself can you patch the holes in your bucket so that the feeling of being loved stays in it. Many people outside yourself can pour love and attention into your bucket, but it only nourishes you when your bucket is patched with a good lining of self love.

Self love comes in many packages. It comes in the form of taking care of yourself first so you can take care of others. It comes in the form of doing things you do not want to do as a gift of love to yourself and those you care about. It can be as simple as forgiving yourself for all your perceived faults, and loving yourself anyway. I said that last one was simple, but it took a long time for me to be able to look in a mirror and tell myself, "I love you just as you are. You are worthy of all the good that comes to you."

I am worthy of all the good that comes to me, and so are every one of you. God, The Universe, The Goddess, Source... Whatever you want to call it, it does not make junk. We are all powered by the divine spark in human form. You are worthy just as you are to deserve your own love and attention. Spend a little time today doing something for yourself, and make it a habit.

My father always said, "Check your oil and water!" every night when I talked to him on the phone. He was always concerned about my transportation. Be a part of your transformation and take a few moments today to work on plugging your bucket. You will be glad you did...

Sisters

I am very blessed to have a biological sister who is one in a million. She is a strong, funny, loving woman who makes me laugh, and makes me see myself clearer than anyone else. She is outspoken, but well loved. I love spending time with her, as do a host of other people. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life, and she is where my blog begins, but not the only place the journey takes me.

In addition to my blood sister, my path has also blessed me with women who are sisters of my heart and spirit. These sisters have come to me from many places. Some have been constant in my life, and others have passed by me leaving only the memories of times and experiences we shared. Each one of them is alive in my heart. Each one of them helped shape who I am. I am grateful.

The purpose of this blog is to create a place for we sisters to discuss what is on our minds and in our hearts. I am doing it out of a need of my own, but it is a need I hear echoed often to me by the women who confide in me. I want this to be a place to speak what is on your heart without fear of being judged. I do not expect to agree with everyone, but it is my hope to open a dialog about many things so that understanding and love may spread to all this blog touches. We are one in spirit. All else is just semantics.

I will end this introduction of my blog with the Four Agreements set out in the book by the same name by author Don Miguel Ruiz . I endeavor to live my life by them (sometimes more successfully than others), and they are a comfort to me:
1. Be Impeccable with your word
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always do your best

Merry met my dear sisters; here's to all of you I now know and to the ones I haven't met yet. I am grateful for each of you.