I decided a few months ago to start reading Tarot again. I pretty much gave up reading the cards cold turkey about 9 years ago, after reading for many years. It was a good decision for me at the time. I was not in the proper frame of mind to see the wisdom of the cards. I had become addicted to what I wanted to happen, and to what the cards would show me instead of focusing on living my life. It was like the hope of what could be was more appealing to me than what I actually had. In order for me to move past the painful point in my life, I had to learn to appreciate everything I did have. Once I focused on living my life in the present moment, things shifted and my life became immensely happier.
My intuition is much stronger now than it has ever been. I hope it continues to grow as I get older. The Tarot are a powerful tool of intuition and insight, and one I have missed incorporating in my life. I recently went out and bought 2 new decks and 2 new oracle decks. I have been reluctant to actually read them though. I have done it a few times, but something always seems to be in my way: Mostly it is fear of failing, or maybe succeeding.
The lack of proper silk scarves to house my new cards in has kept me from opening the packages. If I don't have the scarves, I tell myself, so I can't properly store the cards. I also bought new decks I am not familiar with, so I feel like I have to study the books on them to give a good reading, instead of following my intuition. The smudge that I use to cleanse my cards is not my husband's favorite smell. I know that I can cleanse most anything with Reiki instead of smudge, but still my former rituals for card reading have turned into excuses not to do what I feel called to do.
I see the parallel of this same situation played out in other areas of my life, and the lives of others. It is as if things don't meet certain conditions in my mind it is not safe to move on to the next level or to attempt to do things I feel called to do. I guess it is a form of procrastination. I know it is a form of fear. It is not a tangible fear that I can draw a picture of in my mind. It isn't a boogey man with claws and fangs, but it might as well be. For me the fear of doing something less than perfectly many times makes me not attempt to act in the first place. I cannot help but feel that this is the next big thing I want to tackle in myself. I have been camping here in this spot for a while in my life but I see new scenery on the horizon.
I am learning more and more to trust myself in things that I do, and trust the thoughts and ideas that come to me. It has been a slow process, and I remind myself that, "practice makes perfect" as often as I remind my children the same thing. My Reiki master, Branden, uses a great quote at the end of her emails: “We fail to realize that mastery is not about perfection. It’s about a process, a journey. The master is the one who stays on the path day after day, year after year. The master is the one who is willing to try, and fail, and try again, for as long as he or she lives.”
~ George Leonard from Mastery
I am an apprentice in many areas of my life and I am learning to love that. When you are younger you think that one day you will be a grown up and all will be revealed to you in perfect clarity. You think there is a finite point when you become the mythical "adult" you are meant to be, and that from that point on you are the master of your life. Today I know that there is no knowing it all, there is only finding more questions. There is not a lot of black and white, there are more subtle shades of gray.
It is okay to envision your life looking like you want it to, as a matter of fact, it is the key to manifestation. What is as important is giving thanks for the things you have in the present moment as a foundation for the manifestation. Don't let the absence of the proper details keep you from taking the first steps to push your dreams to reality. I am happiest when I am doing my soul work: Reiki, creating with my hands and voice, and also reading cards and using my intuitive gifts. I ask you all as my friends to call upon me if I can be of service to you in any of these ways. You will be of great service to me by doing just that.
I love you all!