Parts of this post will likely be politically incorrect. Please forgive me if I offend and my ego shows. I admire and respect both the Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle immensely. I strive to live a mindful and compassionate life. Forgive my rant (or rant along with me and get it all out)!
I was sewing some little red flannel bags the other night to house my many work crystals in. This is a work in progress, and one I am enjoying. I decided not to start listening to the next Harry Dresden book in favor of reviewing "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I read the book a couple of years ago, and did the whole Oprah telecourse on it. I think it is a brilliant piece of work on the whole.
I now believe, as suggested to me by one of my Reiki masters, Jennifer Ledbetter, that Tolle is probably a walk in. A walk in is a soul who comes to a body that was vacated by another soul in the midst of their life. Tolle says after a night of wanting to kill himself he woke up enlightened and thought the world was beautiful. He had released his pain body and saw that his essence was separate from the little nagging voice in his head (his ego). He no longer talks about his past in great detail (because his soul is not attached to it). His message of mindful meditation is very beautiful, and useful. "The Power of Now", also by Tolle, is a powerful book as well. When I read it I had to do it in bits. I would read a chapter, fall asleep from the depth and the need to absorb what it said, then wake to read more. It is truly soul food.
Back to my rant... Tolle has several sections in "A New Earth" that describe how not to stifle your children and how not to become the role of mother or father when you parent. Everyone knows the role of mother: "Did you even brush your hair this morning? Why are you wearing a tank top when it is 55 degrees outside? You can't eat M&M's for breakfast!" You get the picture. Tolle says that while some of those rants might be necessary to protect your children and instill good habits, that you should endeavor to parent as yourself (i.e. the person who you really are, not some perfect example of the role of motherhood). Your children were born to you, not Mrs. Cleaver on steroids. I think he is right. That being said, sometimes the very idea of that makes me feel every bit as inadequate as some chick in a magazine that weighs a buck O'five in a swimsuit.
As I sewed my bags my thoughts went to my daughter Kristina. Kristina is a pre-teen with the smartest little mouth you ever heard. We get in arguments (as mothers and daughters are want to do) and she won't apologize to me in person. She writes me these pointed (and hilarious) letters. The last one simply said, "Mama I'm Sorry I Love You." I laughed out loud. She said she meant it to say, "Mama, I'm Sorry. I love you." I think her lack of punctuation speaks for itself. lol
Bitterness filled me as Tolle's words filtered through my brain. "Does this man have kids? Has he ever been on the receiving end of someone like my daughter who informed me that she knows everything because she watched, "Go Diego, Go"? People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! People who don't have kids have no right to advise those of us who do!
I remember thinking before we adopted what kind of mother I would be: I would never be angry; I would never spank; I would understand and be a patient teacher; I would detach myself from smarty comments and not take them personally. I read a library of books on adoption and parenting post institutionalized kids. I took 3 parenting classes. I thought I was ready!
The days after we adopted my children were among the worst days of my life. I had worked solid for a year and a half on paperwork and painstaking procedure to bring these two little people to our family. I prayed for them. I dreamed of them. I cried for them. I longed for them. They hated my guts. I was crushed, and we had a lot of work to do. I finally won their trust, and their love.
They both love me very well now. I love both my girls, too. Kristina is snotty and can do it all but you let her skin her knee and you find out who she thinks can fix anything. It is me she runs to. As much as she rebels against my authority, she has faith in my abilities. How I hope I never let her down. I hope she always views me as capable and bright, and that the years and our experiences as mother and daughter do not tarnish her love for me (or Alina's either). Only time will tell.
Here I am, letting my ego tell it's story, but it feels right to do it. The ego is a useful tool for yourself and others if you rule it, and don't let it rule you. I have my moments when it takes me over, but other moments I am true to my true self and the real me shines. I am a work in progress, and not ashamed of that any longer. I am exactly where I am meant to be, as are each one of you.
Another little rant: Why do all the accepted holy men in the media have to be men? Especially when in my life I can't have a deep conversation about consciousness or metaphysics with any of the men in my life? My husband, who is the most intelligent man I have ever met says to think of such things makes his head hurt. He is a math nut, and he won't even discuss sacred geometry with me. He doesn't understand why anyone would want to look at life in such detail. I am blessed, because he loves and accepts me (even though he thinks I am basically delusional and crazy). I may be a nut, but I am his nut. He is supportive and encouraging to me as long as I don't try to talk about the details to him. lol Do most spiritual men take the path of the monk (i.e. The Dalai Lama) and forgo family life and ties? I wonder if it is easier to be holy that way... or are they missing the whole point? Who am I to judge? The Dalai Mama... that's who. lol
I salute my friends in the Pagan community who embrace the power of women in all their splendor, power and reality. A priestess can be a maiden, mother or a crone and all stages are rejoiced in. Even though I admit that organized religion of any kind scares me, I love that idea. I live that idea. I think the world needs more strong women to speak out about our lives and our spirituality. You don't have to be perfect to be useful and inspirational. It is our flaws that make us accessible to others.
I am closing for now, but I thank each one of my sisters for letting me rant. I would love to hear your thoughts, too. You all inspire me!
Love you!
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