It has been a long time since I felt like I had something worth saying. There was a time that I felt confident about putting my ideas into print. This emotion ebbs, and wanes from time to time. There is a lot going on inside of me, at the moment. It occurred to me recently that if I put these things in print, it could be healing for me, and possibly others. Here is where I get brave and take the step to do just that.
Last year, I got sick. This was the culmination of me not going to the doctor for several years, and self medicating. I needed a hysterectomy for some time, but was in denial. It began to interfere with my digestion, and I decided it was time to have the surgery. The surgery itself was a piece of cake; physically. I was up and out of the hospital in two days, even though I have a six inch diagonal scar on my lower stomach. I was at the grocery store and trying to take the car keys well before the week was out. My husband didn't let me drive; but it was a close thing. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me; and then the emotional boulder hit me.
I have battled severe depression several times before in my life. It is one of those things that I have looked back on, many times in the past decade and a half, and been very thankful that I had put it behind me. I am not depressed now, but my anxiety is off the charts. It is not easy for me to talk about, but I feel compelled to do it. There must be a reason for it. It is hard to put a finger on why I feel so anxious, but I will try.
The thing is, I feel like I have entered the last phase of my life. I still plan to have a long life from this point on, but one never really knows how long life will last. I got a grand start last year. I set the goal to lose weight and to be more active, and I was doing just those things when I got sick. I have resigned myself that I will never be a size 8 again, and I can live with that. What I never anticipated was to look at myself in the mirror, and to have the body of my dear, departed Aunt Wanda stand in the mirror in front of me with my face on it.
My Aunt Wanda was always big. When I was a little girl, it was just a fact. She wore pretty dresses and red lipstick. She was pretty to me, but I never wanted to look like her. I wanted to look like all the ladies on television with their short skirts and go go boots (I know, I am dating myself terribly, but it is the truth). I wanted to be tall and thin with long hair like Cher. I wanted to have a smoky voice and beautiful eyes like Nancy Sinatra. Taking after my aunt, or any of the women I held dear in my actual life, from a physical perspective, never entered my mind at all.
I talk to my daughters, and I know that they feel the same way about me, right now. They look at me as a precautionary tale of what happens to you if you don't stay as active as you need to be and never give up your love for chocolate chip cookies and cokes. Mind you, I could not talk them out of giving up chocolate chip cookies or cokes now if it would save all our lives! They tell me how active they will stay, how thin they will be, and how pretty I am; but that they will never look like me. I am someone they never want to be; in any way, shape, or form.
I have felt ashamed about how I look for so long that I have lost count of the number of years. I read Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life," and I can honestly say that I can look at myself in the mirror and mean it, on some level, when I say, "Lori, I love you just as you are." I tell myself, "I love you" as I put lotion on. I have learned that beating myself up is no way to change a behavior. I accept the fact that I weigh more now, after the surgery, than I ever anticipated to in my life. I just lack the willpower to make a huge life change, and it keeps me up at night. I am going to have to accept myself, or start completely over, and I don't know how to do that.
I never thought I would be a housewife and mother at this point in my life. I always knew I would be a musician. I knew that my music would be my life. Music is a big part of my life; but not the way I ever thought it would be. The journeys that I sing for those who want to listen, feed my soul. In the best of times, they hold a space of love for others to find stories or remember things that help them to heal their lives in many ways. I am joyful to be a conduit for these things. I hope that I can continue to sing journeys for all my life.
I look down at my arms, and I see the way they shake at the top when I play my drums or hug my daughters. I think of my aunt sitting at the table in her kitchen, smoking a cigarette, and eating a piece of lemon ice box pie while playing cards with her friends. My arms look like her arms.
I think about the perfect love, and perfect trust that I felt for her when she put her arms around me and hugged me. I hope my daughters and those I love feel that when I hold them. I hope that maybe others will remember me as fondly, when my time comes to leave, as I do her now. I am ashamed that I ever thought of how I didn't want to be like her. Now that I am standing in a pair of similar, sensible shoes, I see that it is not the worst place to be. I release the need to be someone I am not. Flabby arms and all; I stand on the shoulders of my ancestor mothers, and aunts, I am proud of who I am. I still have room to grow, and to shrink.
I am not anyone that I ever wanted to be; but I am proud of who I am. Maybe soon, that will be enough
Monday, May 18, 2015
Monday, May 21, 2012
In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust
I visit a village of cliff dwelling spirits often when I journey. The terracotta structures are inhabited by laughing and playing children, healthy and happy people who are young and old, and guardian ancestors who are stoic and all knowing. My teacher Miriam lives there, too. She doesn't live in the bustle of the village, but nearby in a little adobe house that is filled with lots of charm and with the warmth her shining persona. She is stout and grandmotherly, with a couple of silver braids over her shoulders. She has a glowing round face, a loud carefree laugh, and a shrill shouting cry every time she sees me coming. She tells me to move my feet more. She laments that I don't visit her often enough and sometimes fall asleep before our conversations are finished. She tells me how well she loves me, and how proud she is of me. She is wise; yet very humbly so.
There are men who wear eagle masks and feathers that dance on the cliffs at all times. When I first went there, I asked the teacher who took me why they did this. He said they danced for the joy of doing it, and for the love that this put into the world. I learned from my teacher here in ordinary reality that there were shaman in many parts of the world that lived a life of joy separate from society for the same reason. They visualize love and live a life of joy because this is a powerful gift to the planet and all who live on her. This intrigues me very much.
When I first met Miriam, about a year and a half ago, she shared a huge truth with me. When she told me, I could not fathom how big the truth was, and have I discover more depth to it as time goes on. She told me that the times we live in now are very exciting times because for the first time since the rise of man on our planet, there is more love than hate in the world. She told me that love is the greatest of the faces of the Creator. When darkness begins to lose power,it gets angry. It lashes out and looks for ways to make it seem more powerful. This action only adds to the love in the long run. She said in times like these it is very important to put more love out into the world. She revealed to me that, "Love powers the fusion of stars."
The dancers of the ridge have a lesson for us all. It is very important for us to focus on love and joy in our lives because those things that we give our attention to multiply. If we are focused on the negative aspects of our lives, "Those things we resist, persist."
I have also been reminded several times lately that no one's capacity to love, or indeed their method of expressing that love is the same. The majority of people love the best way they know how to. It is not our responsibility to change our love that we freely give to meet the needs of another if it compromises our self respect, or our free will. In kind, when others love us we can trust in our hearts that they are loving us in the same way. The choices we have come in the ways we react to the love we are given.
In example, I love my daughters with all my heart, and I make every attempt to be the best mother I can be. It is not my fault when they view my love as falling short. My daughters love me with all their hearts, and it is not their fault that their capacity to express that love doesn't always fulfill my needs. In situations of romantic love we are all searching for someone who can accept and be fulfilled by the love we have to give, and in return be happy with the love they receive from us. We must all love ourselves enough to set our limits and to respect the needs of our own hearts when it comes to having our needs met by those we love.
We are all fighting a hard battle; healing wounded hearts and expressing ourselves in the best way we can. There is no blame. There is no guilt. The love we all feel for each other is imperfect, and yet part of something so powerful that it powers the very fusion of the stars. We are all infinitely loved by our Creator, by the ancestors and beloved ones who walk with us through our waking and sleeping journeys.
The future may seem uncertain to us, but you can put your trust in the love flowing to us at every moment. You are precious. The joy and love you feel in your heart makes the world a better place and lifts us all up. Know it in your heart. It is the truth. We are all one.
There are men who wear eagle masks and feathers that dance on the cliffs at all times. When I first went there, I asked the teacher who took me why they did this. He said they danced for the joy of doing it, and for the love that this put into the world. I learned from my teacher here in ordinary reality that there were shaman in many parts of the world that lived a life of joy separate from society for the same reason. They visualize love and live a life of joy because this is a powerful gift to the planet and all who live on her. This intrigues me very much.
When I first met Miriam, about a year and a half ago, she shared a huge truth with me. When she told me, I could not fathom how big the truth was, and have I discover more depth to it as time goes on. She told me that the times we live in now are very exciting times because for the first time since the rise of man on our planet, there is more love than hate in the world. She told me that love is the greatest of the faces of the Creator. When darkness begins to lose power,it gets angry. It lashes out and looks for ways to make it seem more powerful. This action only adds to the love in the long run. She said in times like these it is very important to put more love out into the world. She revealed to me that, "Love powers the fusion of stars."
The dancers of the ridge have a lesson for us all. It is very important for us to focus on love and joy in our lives because those things that we give our attention to multiply. If we are focused on the negative aspects of our lives, "Those things we resist, persist."
I have also been reminded several times lately that no one's capacity to love, or indeed their method of expressing that love is the same. The majority of people love the best way they know how to. It is not our responsibility to change our love that we freely give to meet the needs of another if it compromises our self respect, or our free will. In kind, when others love us we can trust in our hearts that they are loving us in the same way. The choices we have come in the ways we react to the love we are given.
In example, I love my daughters with all my heart, and I make every attempt to be the best mother I can be. It is not my fault when they view my love as falling short. My daughters love me with all their hearts, and it is not their fault that their capacity to express that love doesn't always fulfill my needs. In situations of romantic love we are all searching for someone who can accept and be fulfilled by the love we have to give, and in return be happy with the love they receive from us. We must all love ourselves enough to set our limits and to respect the needs of our own hearts when it comes to having our needs met by those we love.
We are all fighting a hard battle; healing wounded hearts and expressing ourselves in the best way we can. There is no blame. There is no guilt. The love we all feel for each other is imperfect, and yet part of something so powerful that it powers the very fusion of the stars. We are all infinitely loved by our Creator, by the ancestors and beloved ones who walk with us through our waking and sleeping journeys.
The future may seem uncertain to us, but you can put your trust in the love flowing to us at every moment. You are precious. The joy and love you feel in your heart makes the world a better place and lifts us all up. Know it in your heart. It is the truth. We are all one.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Love, The Earth, and Appropriate Force
One of the ongoing challenges of my life, and indeed some of my biggest lessons, have involved using the appropriate force in situations. Force doesn’t have to be a negative thing. Encouragement might be a force, as is an offer to help. It was a break through moment for me when I heard a speaker talk about appropriate force in dealing with conflict in your life. The speaker used the example of killing a mosquito. He said that you had three choices on how to do it: you could either hit it with your hand, with a brick, or with a car. This analogy hit home for me about the way I had handled conflict all my life. Instead of using appropriate force and swatting life’s pests with my hand, I had often attempted to run over them with a car.
This was a learned behavior for me, as I am sure it was for my parents. The problem with hitting all problems with the force of an automobile collision is that there is a lot of collateral damage left in your wake. The damage isn’t just done to the object of your conflict, but also to you. You have to sustain a lot of energy with your anger in order to power a car-sized reaction. Hitting all conflicts with cars causes high blood pressure, among other ailments. It is not a challenge that effects only me. I see people swatting mosquitoes with bricks and cars all the time. My kids make a daily contest of it. I am still learning appropriate force, but I hope my example in time teaches them better.
Keep these points in mind if you will as I tell you about the lovely journey I had and the revelations I had during it. I promise it will all tie together way before the end of the post, and I will try to make it neatly. ;)
We did a very large cleansing ritual/journey in my Shamanism class. I traveled to the upper world, met with my teachers and many others in the sacred circle I usually visit and I asked to be cleansed of dark energy and such that I had picked up in life, and in my process of being an energetic worker and journeyer. The process was very powerful for me, and for all the class members. I will share with you a bit about my cleansing and what I learned.
My cleansing involved 4 elements: water, air, fire and finally earth. I am going to concentrate my story on the final cleansing; earth. In my journey I became a part of the earth. At first I felt as if I were resting underneath the ground, but soon I became aware that there was a lot going on just over my head on the surface. I could see the land and feel the wind blow through the fields of wildflowers and crops of grain. I could see the roads that crossed me, and feel the tickle of the cars that made their way across me. I could feel the trees and their roots that ran down deeply feeding from me: their source. I could see people playing in parks and children running. I could see men with bulldozers on my surface scratching at my crust to harvest stone and coal. I could feel wild water running down my surface and cutting grooves as it went.
The overwhelming emotion I felt toward every living thing that I encountered was pure, unconditional love. There was an underlying knowledge all the way to my core that I (as the Earth) was eternal, and immortal. I was aware of the changes that were being made on my surface, but I was also aware that I could change any one of them with a thought. The beings that lived because of me did not control me. I felt no anger or resentment; I just knew that I would endure and was in charge of my destiny. I also felt a presence that was not just feminine, as I often think of the earth, but with a definite male aspect as well.
This message was one I desperately needed to feel and hear. For weeks I have been in an anxiety and guilt induced stupor that had left me feeling physically ill. After the extreme high of Daughters of the Moon, and the powerful journeys I had after the retreat, reentry into the real world kicked my butt. I make it a point not to watch the news with regularity, or to get caught up in conspiracy theories. But after the horrors of the Japanese earthquake, and ongoing nuclear contamination in that country; followed by the tornadoes and flooding in my area, I began anew to delve into the world of corporate sponsored news reports and fringe theories.
My ego and shadow self stalked me. They whispered self-important notions about impending doom and oncoming catastrophe. Judgement was coming; I could feel it; and hell was coming with it! I was not stifled by worry, in my own defense, but it was occupying my mind more than I normally allow it to. Then I read a quote on Facebook the other day by Laurelle Shanti Gaia, who is a fellow Reiki master. “When we focus on conspiracy, we are not focusing on truth. May peace and truth BE.” I began to see the rut I had stepped into.
The vision I had in my journey affirmed so many things for me. The first and foremost thing is that we are all unconditionally loved, which is a huge comfort in itself. We are cherished by the earth, and by all the celestial beings I have come in contact with. We are beloved children who are loved in spite of our mistakes. We are loved in spite of our shortcomings. The verses from the bible come to me about the hair on our head being numbered, and about our creator knowing when every sparrow falls. I believe that, and it was reaffirmed to me in such a way that I do not just know it in my mind: I feel it in my every pore down to my soul level.
For years I had attributed the human qualities of anger, retribution and hatred to the beings that made me, sustain me and guide me. They are beyond that. I have no doubt that in many ways their patience is running thin with the beings of this earth, but I don’t think that there will be a huge retribution leveled on us for being ignorant and not growing. If there is retribution, it will be one we have wrought on ourselves. The responsibility and guilt of things I cannot control were cleansed from me. They have been replaced by a need for action.
The earth, our creator and our guides know exactly how much force to exert to make the changes that need to be made to sustain our world and to advance us to higher levels of consciousness. A prayer comes to mind that was taught to me by my first human metaphysical teacher (love you, Gracia): “Please help me to learn the lessons I need to learn in the quickest and the least painful way possible for me.” It was her theory, and it is mine, too that the higher powers start out throwing cotton balls, then small rocks, then maybe we get to the brick and car level of teaching. I think this prayer is especially poignant and beautiful in the world we live in now.
The Earth is the selfless sustainer of my body and my human experience. I will continue to look for ways to live a greener, kinder life. I will endeavor to spread love from my heart every opportunity I get. I will pray for the earth and all those who share it with even more regularity. I will send healing energy to the earth every time I think of it. I will maintain a space of love and hope in my heart for the earth and all those living on her: human, animal, plant and spirit. Namaste.
This was a learned behavior for me, as I am sure it was for my parents. The problem with hitting all problems with the force of an automobile collision is that there is a lot of collateral damage left in your wake. The damage isn’t just done to the object of your conflict, but also to you. You have to sustain a lot of energy with your anger in order to power a car-sized reaction. Hitting all conflicts with cars causes high blood pressure, among other ailments. It is not a challenge that effects only me. I see people swatting mosquitoes with bricks and cars all the time. My kids make a daily contest of it. I am still learning appropriate force, but I hope my example in time teaches them better.
Keep these points in mind if you will as I tell you about the lovely journey I had and the revelations I had during it. I promise it will all tie together way before the end of the post, and I will try to make it neatly. ;)
We did a very large cleansing ritual/journey in my Shamanism class. I traveled to the upper world, met with my teachers and many others in the sacred circle I usually visit and I asked to be cleansed of dark energy and such that I had picked up in life, and in my process of being an energetic worker and journeyer. The process was very powerful for me, and for all the class members. I will share with you a bit about my cleansing and what I learned.
My cleansing involved 4 elements: water, air, fire and finally earth. I am going to concentrate my story on the final cleansing; earth. In my journey I became a part of the earth. At first I felt as if I were resting underneath the ground, but soon I became aware that there was a lot going on just over my head on the surface. I could see the land and feel the wind blow through the fields of wildflowers and crops of grain. I could see the roads that crossed me, and feel the tickle of the cars that made their way across me. I could feel the trees and their roots that ran down deeply feeding from me: their source. I could see people playing in parks and children running. I could see men with bulldozers on my surface scratching at my crust to harvest stone and coal. I could feel wild water running down my surface and cutting grooves as it went.
The overwhelming emotion I felt toward every living thing that I encountered was pure, unconditional love. There was an underlying knowledge all the way to my core that I (as the Earth) was eternal, and immortal. I was aware of the changes that were being made on my surface, but I was also aware that I could change any one of them with a thought. The beings that lived because of me did not control me. I felt no anger or resentment; I just knew that I would endure and was in charge of my destiny. I also felt a presence that was not just feminine, as I often think of the earth, but with a definite male aspect as well.
This message was one I desperately needed to feel and hear. For weeks I have been in an anxiety and guilt induced stupor that had left me feeling physically ill. After the extreme high of Daughters of the Moon, and the powerful journeys I had after the retreat, reentry into the real world kicked my butt. I make it a point not to watch the news with regularity, or to get caught up in conspiracy theories. But after the horrors of the Japanese earthquake, and ongoing nuclear contamination in that country; followed by the tornadoes and flooding in my area, I began anew to delve into the world of corporate sponsored news reports and fringe theories.
My ego and shadow self stalked me. They whispered self-important notions about impending doom and oncoming catastrophe. Judgement was coming; I could feel it; and hell was coming with it! I was not stifled by worry, in my own defense, but it was occupying my mind more than I normally allow it to. Then I read a quote on Facebook the other day by Laurelle Shanti Gaia, who is a fellow Reiki master. “When we focus on conspiracy, we are not focusing on truth. May peace and truth BE.” I began to see the rut I had stepped into.
The vision I had in my journey affirmed so many things for me. The first and foremost thing is that we are all unconditionally loved, which is a huge comfort in itself. We are cherished by the earth, and by all the celestial beings I have come in contact with. We are beloved children who are loved in spite of our mistakes. We are loved in spite of our shortcomings. The verses from the bible come to me about the hair on our head being numbered, and about our creator knowing when every sparrow falls. I believe that, and it was reaffirmed to me in such a way that I do not just know it in my mind: I feel it in my every pore down to my soul level.
For years I had attributed the human qualities of anger, retribution and hatred to the beings that made me, sustain me and guide me. They are beyond that. I have no doubt that in many ways their patience is running thin with the beings of this earth, but I don’t think that there will be a huge retribution leveled on us for being ignorant and not growing. If there is retribution, it will be one we have wrought on ourselves. The responsibility and guilt of things I cannot control were cleansed from me. They have been replaced by a need for action.
The earth, our creator and our guides know exactly how much force to exert to make the changes that need to be made to sustain our world and to advance us to higher levels of consciousness. A prayer comes to mind that was taught to me by my first human metaphysical teacher (love you, Gracia): “Please help me to learn the lessons I need to learn in the quickest and the least painful way possible for me.” It was her theory, and it is mine, too that the higher powers start out throwing cotton balls, then small rocks, then maybe we get to the brick and car level of teaching. I think this prayer is especially poignant and beautiful in the world we live in now.
The Earth is the selfless sustainer of my body and my human experience. I will continue to look for ways to live a greener, kinder life. I will endeavor to spread love from my heart every opportunity I get. I will pray for the earth and all those who share it with even more regularity. I will send healing energy to the earth every time I think of it. I will maintain a space of love and hope in my heart for the earth and all those living on her: human, animal, plant and spirit. Namaste.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Maiden, Mother, Crone; a Writing Experiment
A couple of weeks ago I went to a wonderful retreat called "Daughters of the Moon." It was a life changing event for me in many ways. I met so many wonderful women, learned so many new things, danced and sang like a girl and renewed a relationship with Lori. The whole experience was rejuvenating and enriching in many ways.
While at the retreat, I attended a workshop given by Rev. Sonya Miller about her writing techniques. She passed out paper and had us do a writing exercise where we sought ideas from the three aspects of the Goddess; The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. I just free wrote during these exercises. I let the words flow out of me without trying to make sense out of them. I thought the Crone one was kind of interesting at the time. I reread them all yesterday and decided I liked what they all have to say. Here they are in their roughness and what glory there is:
The Maiden
It is okay to be a work in progress.
Life shapes us as we go.
Sometimes it is more than okay to want to be noticed.
It is not selfish to seek affirmation from others, but it is more fulfilling to find it within yourself.
Give yourself permission to speak your needs, or speak your mind.
Often the thing you are afraid to say is what someone else needs to hear.
The Mother
I wish I loved me like you do
I wish I saw me through your eyes
You seem to understand me
How did you get to be so wise?
You see something in me
I wish I saw in myself
Like drops of rain on a barren field
Flowers will grow from my tears
But without your sun, there would be no color
Without your forge to temper my fears
I wonder how I never saw you
When you had seen me all these years
You had always been near
You saw me
The Crone
You have nothing to prove
You are the source of all your joy and fears
Your path is illuminated
Open your eyes
Don't shy away from the light you possess
Your light is not a gift to you
It is a gift to all
The puzzle needs your piece to be whole
Wiggle around until you fit yourself in
You are a part of the big picture
Don't be discouraged
You are love
I kind of like them all. ;) If you read them together, they sound like a message, and I believe they are. The message might have started out to me, but I think it can be to each of you if you want it to be.
Blessings to you all!
While at the retreat, I attended a workshop given by Rev. Sonya Miller about her writing techniques. She passed out paper and had us do a writing exercise where we sought ideas from the three aspects of the Goddess; The Maiden, The Mother and The Crone. I just free wrote during these exercises. I let the words flow out of me without trying to make sense out of them. I thought the Crone one was kind of interesting at the time. I reread them all yesterday and decided I liked what they all have to say. Here they are in their roughness and what glory there is:
The Maiden
It is okay to be a work in progress.
Life shapes us as we go.
Sometimes it is more than okay to want to be noticed.
It is not selfish to seek affirmation from others, but it is more fulfilling to find it within yourself.
Give yourself permission to speak your needs, or speak your mind.
Often the thing you are afraid to say is what someone else needs to hear.
The Mother
I wish I loved me like you do
I wish I saw me through your eyes
You seem to understand me
How did you get to be so wise?
You see something in me
I wish I saw in myself
Like drops of rain on a barren field
Flowers will grow from my tears
But without your sun, there would be no color
Without your forge to temper my fears
I wonder how I never saw you
When you had seen me all these years
You had always been near
You saw me
The Crone
You have nothing to prove
You are the source of all your joy and fears
Your path is illuminated
Open your eyes
Don't shy away from the light you possess
Your light is not a gift to you
It is a gift to all
The puzzle needs your piece to be whole
Wiggle around until you fit yourself in
You are a part of the big picture
Don't be discouraged
You are love
I kind of like them all. ;) If you read them together, they sound like a message, and I believe they are. The message might have started out to me, but I think it can be to each of you if you want it to be.
Blessings to you all!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Revelations about Power
Hi all,
Sorry for the length of time since my last post. It wasn't that I had nothing to say, I just felt trepidation about saying it. I feel very moved by spirit to share with you all what was shared with me today about power.
I had my Shamanism class today with my wonderful teacher Carla Meeske and all the very talented and special women who take the class with me. It is a high point of every week for me. Today we journeyed to ask a teacher three questions about Power. Actually we were told to ask two of the three, but I asked all three because I had time and why not?
The drumming started and my journey began. No power animal met me in nature as is usual; Raphael met me himself. We went to a place similar to another I had traveled to recently. It was through space to another planet. On this planet (or orb) was a huge tower. He spoke to me as we visited this tower. I asked the following questions and he told me to write down what he said.
What is power?
"Power is Love
Love is Power
Power is Balance
It is opening doors and knowing when to close them
Power is Freedom
Freedom is love and light and energy."
Where does power come from?
"Everywhere and Everything: Nowhere and Nothing"
my note: When he said this, I thought of a wonderful analogy that was made of the Goddess Kali at Daughters of the Moon a couple weekends ago. The woman who made it said, "Kali is the darkness you see when you close your eyes." I felt (for me, make your own interpretation) that he was saying the same thing about the origins of power. It is the origin of the dark pool of possibilities.
How does power help us heal?
"It enlightens us so that we may help ourselves.
It opens our eyes so that we may see that there is no separation between us and it.
It reveals illusion and illuminates truth."
I thanked Raphael for answering my questions and he embraced me very warmly, as is his way. He then looked me in the eyes and spoke to my soul. He told me that he loved me, and that in itself was everything. Then he kissed my third eye and sent me back to ordinary reality.
Carla asked me if I was going to write a song about this, and I just might do it. I have been thinking lately that it might be the best way to impart the things I am told in a medium that doesn't make me feel like a fruitcake. People expect songs to be cryptic and profound. It might be just the ticket. ;)
Love to you all!
Sorry for the length of time since my last post. It wasn't that I had nothing to say, I just felt trepidation about saying it. I feel very moved by spirit to share with you all what was shared with me today about power.
I had my Shamanism class today with my wonderful teacher Carla Meeske and all the very talented and special women who take the class with me. It is a high point of every week for me. Today we journeyed to ask a teacher three questions about Power. Actually we were told to ask two of the three, but I asked all three because I had time and why not?
The drumming started and my journey began. No power animal met me in nature as is usual; Raphael met me himself. We went to a place similar to another I had traveled to recently. It was through space to another planet. On this planet (or orb) was a huge tower. He spoke to me as we visited this tower. I asked the following questions and he told me to write down what he said.
What is power?
"Power is Love
Love is Power
Power is Balance
It is opening doors and knowing when to close them
Power is Freedom
Freedom is love and light and energy."
Where does power come from?
"Everywhere and Everything: Nowhere and Nothing"
my note: When he said this, I thought of a wonderful analogy that was made of the Goddess Kali at Daughters of the Moon a couple weekends ago. The woman who made it said, "Kali is the darkness you see when you close your eyes." I felt (for me, make your own interpretation) that he was saying the same thing about the origins of power. It is the origin of the dark pool of possibilities.
How does power help us heal?
"It enlightens us so that we may help ourselves.
It opens our eyes so that we may see that there is no separation between us and it.
It reveals illusion and illuminates truth."
I thanked Raphael for answering my questions and he embraced me very warmly, as is his way. He then looked me in the eyes and spoke to my soul. He told me that he loved me, and that in itself was everything. Then he kissed my third eye and sent me back to ordinary reality.
Carla asked me if I was going to write a song about this, and I just might do it. I have been thinking lately that it might be the best way to impart the things I am told in a medium that doesn't make me feel like a fruitcake. People expect songs to be cryptic and profound. It might be just the ticket. ;)
Love to you all!
Friday, February 25, 2011
A few notes about journeying, and about me in general
I have been having some great shamanic journeys lately and many things are coming to me in these journeys that I feel are important to share. I feel like I need to lay some things out and perhaps explain some things about myself and about my novice status as a journeyer before I do. Some of the people who read my blog haven't known me for years and don't know a lot about me. I will tell you a little about myself, and about how I have come to be where I am. I hope it will not be boring.
For starters I do not think I am in any way better than anyone else or that the things that happen to me in the course of my daily life or in my journeys are the cause of me being a special case. I think that anyone who opens themselves to the wonder and the mystery of what is all around us has special, deep experiences. Mystic experiences; miracles, spirit contact, divine contact, prophetic dreams, unexpected peaceful or powerful moments... these moments make life worth living. I am very grateful and humbled to have had many moments in my life that made my body weep from joy because the experience was more than my mortal self could easily handle. I am blessed that I can never doubt that the divine lives in each one of us and every thing around us because I have felt that connection personally and am marked by it. I do not think I am unique to have experienced it, only very blessed to be able to share what I have experienced.
I come from a Christian background. I was raised Methodist. My mother still is. I was always empathic and saw and heard things no one else did for as long as I can remember. My mother told me these abilities were from the devil. The idea of that never seemed right to me, even as a child. I used to ask her why God could not bless someone with the things I had, she said it was a trial to be ignored. I don't agree with her. I have the greatest love and respect for my mother, Jesus and for the Christian God. For me personally, they are not my only link with divine energy.
Because of my being raised a Christian I have known a lot of guilt about this. I know that I was made exactly as I am by the divine, despite what I was taught as a child. My abilities are a gift, not a curse. I search for my answers in commune with spirit, nature and with each person, animal or thing I come in contact with. In my view, signs and answers are everywhere and divine spirit is always speaking to us. I am not asking anyone to follow my path. I am not advocating my path. It is my path. I only hope by sharing my experiences that others might love themselves and not feel guilty about who they are.
I want each of us to see our connection to each other, and to the divine in all its forms. I want each of us to do our part to heal our mother, the Earth. I am not perfect or even anywhere close. I don't have all the answers, I don't even know the questions. I hope to share my experiences so we can explore these things together if you wish to.
I am not a Shaman. I do not claim to be. I am very much a novice, but shamanic journeying has opened up worlds and facets to everything in the short time I have been doing it that I could not have dreamed of. It is one of the coolest things I have ever experienced or done for myself. It has healed me and helped me grow. I am still a work in progress.
I love the outdoors, but am not able to spend a lot of time outdoors because as I have aged, I have become very sensitive to heat. My skin breaks out in a horrible swollen red rash that takes a couple of hours to go away. I have been to the doctor with it and was told it was part of perimenopause (joy). He basically said he was sorry, I just had to live with it. I hoped the shamanism class might ground me and help reconnect me to the earth. I really didn't know what to expect, and am surprised and joyfully humbled with each new experience I have.
I found my teacher, Carla Meeske, on the internet when I wasn't really looking for her. I read about her classes, which focus mostly on animal communication and became intrigued. I use my Reiki (a Japanese healing art in which one lays their hands on a clothed person and transmits "chi or ki" universal life energy; it can also be sent remotely) to heal animals all the time, and to help those I know who ask for it. The idea of being able to talk to my animals on a deeper level really intrigued me. I decided to sign up for her beginning class which taught journeying and meeting your power animal. My husband funded and supported me in this. :) He is a keeper and my prince.
There are three main worlds that we have worked in with the journeying I have experienced: the upper world, the lower world and the middle world. Different beings work in different places. The upper world isn't really the Christian heaven or even the Summerlands, but I think that they are probably there. I have only ever used the middle world as a portal to get to other places, I have not explored it in depth. I believe it to be most like Earth. The lower world I have found to be filled with many animal spirits. I do not think it is exclusively so, but that is just my experience there. Each world is reached through a portal, or a membrane of sorts. When you travel there, you really feel yourself pushing through them. It is easy to understand how spirits who do not know how to get through the membrane become trapped here on earth.
I was shocked to meet my first power animal; an Owl. The owl is my mother's family totem because of an encounter my maternal grandmother had with an owl years ago. The women in my mother's family display their kinship with the owl with pride by collecting every owl they see. I personally felt a much closer connection to cats or to hawks. I laughed out loud when the owl turned out to be my first teacher and guide in the other worlds. It was a delightful surprise.
I have since met other teachers and had many experiences with them. The first non animal teacher I met was the angel Raphael. I know angels reputations can be polarizing to some people, but they were around long before Christianity, and are very benevolent and loving in my limited experiences. I had been talking to them for years but was absolutely blown away to meet one. He is beautiful and kind and has a wicked sense of humor, if he will forgive me for saying so. His first words to me were, "Welcome home!"
When I met Raphael I was afraid to tell my teacher, for the same reason I never believe people when they tell me they believe in reincarnation because they were Cleopatra in a past life. I thought I would meet some Native American teacher or a great buffalo or anything but an angel during a shamanic journey.
When I told my teacher what the upper world looked like to me, I mentioned that the place I had gone had a see through floor. "I have seen that place!" she exclaimed. "When I was there, there were angels looking down on all of us." I began crying and told her who I had seen there. She was as tickled as I was, but not surprised. There is no limit to who you might meet in these journeys. I believe that.
When I am restless at night, I have always imagined a beautiful log house near a lake in the mountains. Behind the house is a wooded area, with the trees going up the mountain. All of the animals I have cared for throughout the years who have passed over live in this house, if they choose to. I always imagined that my brother and aunt who have passed over live near by and check in on them. The house is filled with unique things and feels like my home. When I met Raphael the first time he told me that the place I had been visiting in quiet meditation for years was truly in the upper realm. He told me I had been visiting that place, and others without realizing I was journeying. He was thrilled that I now was journeying consciously and wanted me to know that I could visit anytime without restriction.
On my first journey after my first set of classes ended I had a beautiful experience. The owl and Raphael took me to my home in the upper world and I got to visit with each of my animals that had passed over, except one. Molly, my cat who never liked me, was not there. I was told she was well, but lived elsewhere. My brother David came to visit me, and later my aunt Wanda. I cannot tell you the joy of visiting my family there. At the time, we were going through a very difficult period with my father and his health. I asked my aunt (his sister) for advice, expecting some wonderful course of action and she told me, "Lori, just leave your daddy alone and quit trying to make him do what you want him to do. I know you love him, but you aren't doing anything but frustrating yourself and him. Set up a healing grid with that nice piece of rose quartz you have for him. He will take care of himself, or he won't. You can't make him do anything, honey."
This all sounded just like my aunt, except for the crystal grid and rose quartz part. My aunt wouldn't have ever told me to do that here on earth in a gozillion years. I did what she said, and passed some messages on to my sister for her. Wanda has visited both of us in dreams many times, and still visits my sister's house (her former house) from time to time, seriously (we have many stories). My sister and I decided to take her advice on Daddy, and low and behold it worked. We both quit pushing him and he did what we wanted on his own. His health all around is very improved.
I have since visited with my grandmother Ione, my grandfather Edmon, my great grandfather H, and his wife Inus, who I never met in life. My grandmother was a seamstress in life, and I am happy to report she is still making clothes in the upper realm. She has made me two dresses to date for when I travel. I thought this was unusual until I asked my teacher during the course of another classes I took. She told me it was an honor, and not unusual at all.
My experiences and the experiences of the other people in the classes I have taken have made me sure that what happens during the journeys is very real. The knowledge and experiences are NEVER what you expect, and though everyone has different things happen, the commonalities that are taught are mind blowing.
I have rambled on enough for now. I am going to take a break and start writing about some of the things I have been taught. Please see my post on the shadow self to see what Raphael told me about learning to love your shadow self. It is very powerful and has been very healing to me.
More to come! Thanks for reading!
With much love,
Lori
For starters I do not think I am in any way better than anyone else or that the things that happen to me in the course of my daily life or in my journeys are the cause of me being a special case. I think that anyone who opens themselves to the wonder and the mystery of what is all around us has special, deep experiences. Mystic experiences; miracles, spirit contact, divine contact, prophetic dreams, unexpected peaceful or powerful moments... these moments make life worth living. I am very grateful and humbled to have had many moments in my life that made my body weep from joy because the experience was more than my mortal self could easily handle. I am blessed that I can never doubt that the divine lives in each one of us and every thing around us because I have felt that connection personally and am marked by it. I do not think I am unique to have experienced it, only very blessed to be able to share what I have experienced.
I come from a Christian background. I was raised Methodist. My mother still is. I was always empathic and saw and heard things no one else did for as long as I can remember. My mother told me these abilities were from the devil. The idea of that never seemed right to me, even as a child. I used to ask her why God could not bless someone with the things I had, she said it was a trial to be ignored. I don't agree with her. I have the greatest love and respect for my mother, Jesus and for the Christian God. For me personally, they are not my only link with divine energy.
Because of my being raised a Christian I have known a lot of guilt about this. I know that I was made exactly as I am by the divine, despite what I was taught as a child. My abilities are a gift, not a curse. I search for my answers in commune with spirit, nature and with each person, animal or thing I come in contact with. In my view, signs and answers are everywhere and divine spirit is always speaking to us. I am not asking anyone to follow my path. I am not advocating my path. It is my path. I only hope by sharing my experiences that others might love themselves and not feel guilty about who they are.
I want each of us to see our connection to each other, and to the divine in all its forms. I want each of us to do our part to heal our mother, the Earth. I am not perfect or even anywhere close. I don't have all the answers, I don't even know the questions. I hope to share my experiences so we can explore these things together if you wish to.
I am not a Shaman. I do not claim to be. I am very much a novice, but shamanic journeying has opened up worlds and facets to everything in the short time I have been doing it that I could not have dreamed of. It is one of the coolest things I have ever experienced or done for myself. It has healed me and helped me grow. I am still a work in progress.
I love the outdoors, but am not able to spend a lot of time outdoors because as I have aged, I have become very sensitive to heat. My skin breaks out in a horrible swollen red rash that takes a couple of hours to go away. I have been to the doctor with it and was told it was part of perimenopause (joy). He basically said he was sorry, I just had to live with it. I hoped the shamanism class might ground me and help reconnect me to the earth. I really didn't know what to expect, and am surprised and joyfully humbled with each new experience I have.
I found my teacher, Carla Meeske, on the internet when I wasn't really looking for her. I read about her classes, which focus mostly on animal communication and became intrigued. I use my Reiki (a Japanese healing art in which one lays their hands on a clothed person and transmits "chi or ki" universal life energy; it can also be sent remotely) to heal animals all the time, and to help those I know who ask for it. The idea of being able to talk to my animals on a deeper level really intrigued me. I decided to sign up for her beginning class which taught journeying and meeting your power animal. My husband funded and supported me in this. :) He is a keeper and my prince.
There are three main worlds that we have worked in with the journeying I have experienced: the upper world, the lower world and the middle world. Different beings work in different places. The upper world isn't really the Christian heaven or even the Summerlands, but I think that they are probably there. I have only ever used the middle world as a portal to get to other places, I have not explored it in depth. I believe it to be most like Earth. The lower world I have found to be filled with many animal spirits. I do not think it is exclusively so, but that is just my experience there. Each world is reached through a portal, or a membrane of sorts. When you travel there, you really feel yourself pushing through them. It is easy to understand how spirits who do not know how to get through the membrane become trapped here on earth.
I was shocked to meet my first power animal; an Owl. The owl is my mother's family totem because of an encounter my maternal grandmother had with an owl years ago. The women in my mother's family display their kinship with the owl with pride by collecting every owl they see. I personally felt a much closer connection to cats or to hawks. I laughed out loud when the owl turned out to be my first teacher and guide in the other worlds. It was a delightful surprise.
I have since met other teachers and had many experiences with them. The first non animal teacher I met was the angel Raphael. I know angels reputations can be polarizing to some people, but they were around long before Christianity, and are very benevolent and loving in my limited experiences. I had been talking to them for years but was absolutely blown away to meet one. He is beautiful and kind and has a wicked sense of humor, if he will forgive me for saying so. His first words to me were, "Welcome home!"
When I met Raphael I was afraid to tell my teacher, for the same reason I never believe people when they tell me they believe in reincarnation because they were Cleopatra in a past life. I thought I would meet some Native American teacher or a great buffalo or anything but an angel during a shamanic journey.
When I told my teacher what the upper world looked like to me, I mentioned that the place I had gone had a see through floor. "I have seen that place!" she exclaimed. "When I was there, there were angels looking down on all of us." I began crying and told her who I had seen there. She was as tickled as I was, but not surprised. There is no limit to who you might meet in these journeys. I believe that.
When I am restless at night, I have always imagined a beautiful log house near a lake in the mountains. Behind the house is a wooded area, with the trees going up the mountain. All of the animals I have cared for throughout the years who have passed over live in this house, if they choose to. I always imagined that my brother and aunt who have passed over live near by and check in on them. The house is filled with unique things and feels like my home. When I met Raphael the first time he told me that the place I had been visiting in quiet meditation for years was truly in the upper realm. He told me I had been visiting that place, and others without realizing I was journeying. He was thrilled that I now was journeying consciously and wanted me to know that I could visit anytime without restriction.
On my first journey after my first set of classes ended I had a beautiful experience. The owl and Raphael took me to my home in the upper world and I got to visit with each of my animals that had passed over, except one. Molly, my cat who never liked me, was not there. I was told she was well, but lived elsewhere. My brother David came to visit me, and later my aunt Wanda. I cannot tell you the joy of visiting my family there. At the time, we were going through a very difficult period with my father and his health. I asked my aunt (his sister) for advice, expecting some wonderful course of action and she told me, "Lori, just leave your daddy alone and quit trying to make him do what you want him to do. I know you love him, but you aren't doing anything but frustrating yourself and him. Set up a healing grid with that nice piece of rose quartz you have for him. He will take care of himself, or he won't. You can't make him do anything, honey."
This all sounded just like my aunt, except for the crystal grid and rose quartz part. My aunt wouldn't have ever told me to do that here on earth in a gozillion years. I did what she said, and passed some messages on to my sister for her. Wanda has visited both of us in dreams many times, and still visits my sister's house (her former house) from time to time, seriously (we have many stories). My sister and I decided to take her advice on Daddy, and low and behold it worked. We both quit pushing him and he did what we wanted on his own. His health all around is very improved.
I have since visited with my grandmother Ione, my grandfather Edmon, my great grandfather H, and his wife Inus, who I never met in life. My grandmother was a seamstress in life, and I am happy to report she is still making clothes in the upper realm. She has made me two dresses to date for when I travel. I thought this was unusual until I asked my teacher during the course of another classes I took. She told me it was an honor, and not unusual at all.
My experiences and the experiences of the other people in the classes I have taken have made me sure that what happens during the journeys is very real. The knowledge and experiences are NEVER what you expect, and though everyone has different things happen, the commonalities that are taught are mind blowing.
I have rambled on enough for now. I am going to take a break and start writing about some of the things I have been taught. Please see my post on the shadow self to see what Raphael told me about learning to love your shadow self. It is very powerful and has been very healing to me.
More to come! Thanks for reading!
With much love,
Lori
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Christmas Tree Blues: A suggestion
I will confess my shame. I had taken my decorations off a couple of weeks ago, but my tree from Christmas/Yule just came down yesterday. I needed Paul's help to do it, and he has been out of town with work (and doing other things).
My mother visited with me as I helped him take it down. "I wish we could keep the trees up all year," she lamented.
I shared an idea with her that I am surprised some big wig at Hallmark hasn't thought of. It is something that I have been bouncing around for a long time in my mind. Why don't we leave the trees up all year? We could change the decorations to make them applicable to different times of the year. Hearts ornaments at Valentine's day, Eggs at Easter/Ostara, small framed pictures of the kids for their birthdays, Flags on the 4th of July,the list goes on... You could always change the color lights for the different holidays as well.
If you like a live tree, or if you don't have room for the big tree all year, why not get a small potted one?
As we were putting the tree in the box, my daughters came down the stairs saying, "I thought we were leaving the tree up this year?!" I told them that I would do a blog post on it in hopes of starting a grass roots movement. :)
Thanks for sharing my whimsy. What do you think? Is there a future for a 4th of July tree?
My mother visited with me as I helped him take it down. "I wish we could keep the trees up all year," she lamented.
I shared an idea with her that I am surprised some big wig at Hallmark hasn't thought of. It is something that I have been bouncing around for a long time in my mind. Why don't we leave the trees up all year? We could change the decorations to make them applicable to different times of the year. Hearts ornaments at Valentine's day, Eggs at Easter/Ostara, small framed pictures of the kids for their birthdays, Flags on the 4th of July,the list goes on... You could always change the color lights for the different holidays as well.
If you like a live tree, or if you don't have room for the big tree all year, why not get a small potted one?
As we were putting the tree in the box, my daughters came down the stairs saying, "I thought we were leaving the tree up this year?!" I told them that I would do a blog post on it in hopes of starting a grass roots movement. :)
Thanks for sharing my whimsy. What do you think? Is there a future for a 4th of July tree?
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